The birth of Anniston

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I planned on writing our birth story while it was still so fresh in my mind, but you know…newborn life is unpredictable. So here it is.

December 6, 2018 39 weeks pregnant on the dot. We have a scheduled induction to be at the hospital at 11am. Of course the night before I had a hard time sleeping because it was like a kid on Christmas Eve. I was all sorts of excited, nervous, anxious but SO ready to not be pregnant anymore and meet my fourth and final baby. So I wake up that morning, fed Raegan breakfast and cleaned up the house one last time. Andy got back to pick us up so off we went. Dropped Raegan off to grandmas and headed for the hospital. The roads were icy so we ended up being a few minutes late but as it would turn out, I would be the only one there until the day I went home anyway.

Finally we arrive to the hospital safely and as I start getting vitals done I realize I’m pouring sweat from my entire body, thinking it was just a pregnancy hot flash I wasn’t concerned. But the nurse did not like my blood pressure one bit. It was high, my anxiety and nerves were also high but I was trying to play cool. Too bad vitals don’t lie lol. After a little while I calm down and so does my BP. At this point I’ve got an IV and fluids started and have been going over tons of questions and paperwork with the nurse for about an hour. When we finished that she went to call my OB and let her know I was there (ob was in the office doing appts) and the nurse was given instructions to go ahead and start the pitocin but to be VERY gentle with it until she got there later. I have a history of quick active labors lol. So we start the pit and keeps it pretty low. I start at 3cm dilated and 90% thinned. I was contracting every 2-3 mins on my own but they weren’t strong or being productive. Once the pit started to kick in I could tell they were getting bigger but it was just uncomfortable for me, not painful. I tried to nap to pass time and so I’d be energized for the big show later, but it was impossible. My husband couldn’t sit still so he was in and out of my room all day. I ended up scrolling Facebook, chatting the nurses ear off everytime she came in and texting with my dad. Not many people knew we were being induced. Then the amazing thing happened, I was told to order lunch from room service because apparently they let you eat while in labor now! 🙌 I ordered a philly steak sandwich and fries with a chocolate chip cookie! It was amazing.

As I mentioned before, I ended up being the only one in labor and delivery until the day I went home. So the nurse i had up until now was sent home and another nurse came in and took me over. She came in close to 4pm and let me know that my doctor was done at the office and on her way to the hospital. I was like cool, and then the nurse said “and when she gets here she will break your water”. My face went 😱, I know once she breaks my water that it’s go time and my smooth sailing uncomfortable contractions were about to get painful and there would be a baby soon after!

Doc gets to the hospital like really quick after that (she called from the car already on her way lol) and  she gives the cervix a check. Still 3cm and 90%. Nurse kicks up the pit a little bit, dr ruptures sac…no fluid. She does it again and still no fluid. She says wait a little and see if any comes out, as she went to do some paperwork quick and catch a nap before it was delivery time. Eh, I order some dinner real quick while I still can. Guess what, now my contractions are on top of each other and went from uncomfortable to painful, like a 5-6 on a scale of 1-10. I call the nurse in and ask her when would be a good time to grab that epidural up. I’ve never had time to get an epidural with my other 3 babies…so I figured if I wanted to give it a go this time I better get the ball rolling. She checks (about an hour I’d say from the water breaking) and I’ve gone from 3cm to 5cm! She turned the pit down a little bit because I was contracting so hard and no break between them. Finallllly we know for sure the dr actually broke my water because I sneezed and there was the fluid. All clear. While the nurse talked to the dr about an epidural for me and called the anesthesiologist to come up, my food arrived and I tried to scarf that down while I had a chance and during some painful contractions.

Dr says it’s ok to get an epidural, the anesthesiologist gets in there, now it’s shift change and a new nurse is coming in with her student nurse. I’m nervous as all get out to get this epidural because it’s an experience I’ve never had before and I’m scared what could happen having them all up in my spine. But I try to be calm, I crouch over and hug the life out of that pillow, my chin could not be any more close to my chest and breaaaath. He numbs my back, it stings a little bit…well then he goes to start and it wasn’t numb enough so he did it again. I’m sitting here trying so hard to focus and breath and stay so still, then I feel this huge zap in my leg (personally I think he hit a nerve for a second) and it tingles away, he keeps going I’m just hating the whole process so far. It feels like my bones were being scrapped away and my husband tried to tell me what he saw and I refused to let him because I don’t want to know how it went down. Lol. Then there was one teensy moment where I jumped just a smidge but he was able to successfully get the epidural done and soon my entire bottom half was numb and dead weight. This was after 6pm.

Now im feeling no pain at all. Once in a while I’ll feel the tightness of a contraction but I’m definitely relaxing and not resisting contractions. So they let me rest for a while and then I notice I’m shivering and I wasn’t cold. I’ve had that after giving birth but not before. Well, it was my body in transition and after a couple of hours from getting the epidural the nurse checks my cervix and she says “well I don’t feel a cervix so you my dear are complete! Let me go get dr”. I went from 5cm and 90% thinned to complete 😱 it’s time to have a baby.

I’m still 100% numb from mid belly down, but I’m starting to feel the pressure which I know is time to push. The nurses and dr come in the room and get everything set up for delivery and the baby. Dr says when you feel a contraction go ahead and push! I’ve got the nurse on my right side holding my leg, Andy on the left side holding that leg (fun fact my left leg felt heavier than my right) and I give my first push, and then take a little break until the next contraction. We are all just talking and laughing, totally different than my other deliveries as I was in too much pain to talk and laugh. Give a couple more pushes and then dr says to stop real quick so she can get the cord off of baby’s neck. Another push or two and she’s out!  The dr tells me to grab her and I pull her up on to my chest and she’s so warm and she didn’t want to give us a good cry so we had to mess with her. Daddy cut the cord and snapped a few pictures. I immediately went for skin to skin with her for a while and then I wanted to know her stats so I let the nurse weigh her and measure her. She really let her voice be heard then! Lol. 6 pounds 14 ounces, 19 inches at 9:19pm our beautiful tiny girl was finally here in my arms. As soon as the nurse handed her back to me baby was rooting and went straight to the breast which she stayed nursing for an hour!! We were still in the delivery room as I had to finish the bag of pit to help my uterus. As I learned, the more babies you have, the heavier and lazier your uterus gets so contracting back down after birth can be difficult. I also had to wait until my epidural wore off to be able to get out of bed. The nurse was coming in and “massaging” my uterus pretty often and then realized my bleeding had picked up a bit. So I was getting a shot in my thigh to help slow it down.

After 11pm, the baby had been cleaned up and gotten her footprints done, the pit was out and my epidural had wore off. I tried to use the restroom but couldn’t, so we slowly walked from the delivery room to my stay room. Andy was hungry so he ran out to grab something to eat and Anniston started a nursing frenzy that would last the rest of the time we were in the hospital. Finally around 1:30am I had gotten her all fed and asleep. They came to get her for her hearing test and I told them they could just bring her back when she woke up to eat again. It was after 2am before I could fall asleep, but I could stay asleep between vitals and my husband snoring so loudly non stop and I was anticipating them bringing baby back in any second. I slept 2 broken hours and was up at 4am and they finally brought her back at 5am. The rest of our stay was mostly me nursing the baby constantly and trying to get rid of a killer headache that came from not sleeping and I think all my nerves. We went home 48hrs later and it’s been a huge adjustment since, with the older 3 kids, a newborn and me recovering. But I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

Anniston is the perfect addition to our family and I’m glad God knew we needed her to complete our family when we thought we were done before her. ♥️

 

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You are not alone

Do you know what it feels like to be so alone, but not alone at all. To be so lonely. Shut yourself off from the world because you feel as if no one cares. No one. You try to reach out to people and you feel unwanted so you revert.

To not want to express what you’re going through or feeling because 1. They won’t understand or 2. They’re not even listening.

To be crying on the inside and hoping that SOMEHOW someone is going to hear your cries and help you.

Do you know what it’s like to wish everyday away because it’s so painful being forced to go through the motions when you really just want to lay in a ball and not move.

Having little people rely on you for their survival, but you are barely hanging on for your own.

Forcing a “normal” appearance to avoid being asked what’s wrong. Because the answer isn’t just a simple one.

Laying in bed not being able to sleep even though you’re exhausted. But it’s not just physically. You’re mentally exhausted. Sleep doesn’t fix that.

Do you know what it’s like to have so many blessings but to lose interest in being YOU.

Do you know what it’s like to wake up every single day of your life knowing that you have to fight the war inside your own mind. Some days you lose battles. Some days you feel defenseless. Others you are a warrior.

To want to let go and no longer feel the pain that is so deep. But you can’t because you have a family that needs you.

Knowing that all of this is an illness and NOT who you are, but not being able to silence it and just live your life.

You, you are not alone. I’m going through all of this now, but I will be here for you. Even if it’s just in silence. 💜

Don’t give up

Hi, me again.

So let’s do a quick overview, a few months ago I became a stay at home mom. Shortly after that I decided to find something to do that made me feel better about the decision to not work outside of the home. I had been following these woman for some time that do Facebook live videos of makeup. A friend of mine does the same thing and asked if I would like to join her. So, I came up with the money and clicked the “sign up” button. Starting my very own business.

I was so excited about this journey I was about to embark, and have the potential to make an income from it for my family, all while gaining confidence and meeting new people. I took to my Facebook page and announced my new journey and right away a few people jumped on and seemed to share my excitement and show their support.

Now we can fast forward to today, it’s been a been a few months. I started off on fire and with passion. No one was going to bring me down. I was working my way to building my business and even though I was scared to death, i kept going. But then I hit a wall. I wasn’t doing as good as I thought I should be in the time frame I thought I needed to be. I became so discouraged and slowly stopped putting in effort. Until one point I almost gave up and didn’t do it at all. I was scared of rejection from my family and friends and terrified to reach out to strangers. I felt paralyzed and that this wasn’t “meant for me”. A few days before my account with the company became suspended, my friend/sponsor reached out to me and I had to decide. Do I let it go and move on like it never happened, or do I reach deep within me to start going again and take it as far as I could. I thought and thought and thought and finally told myself…”work it and see if you can get the minimum requirement to keep from being suspended. If you don’t, then let it go. If you do, work your ass off!” I earned what I needed to in order to keep my account going. So here I am.

I didn’t join just for some side income or some confidence. I joined this business for many reasons. There are lots of bullies in the world, don’t let them scare you. There are lots of people who will not believe in you and sit back waiting for you to fail. There are people who eyeroll thinking “it’s just another one of those pyramid scams”. There are LOTS of people that will make you want to give up, there are people who will waste your time saying they want to join or get this and then ghost you, BUT there are also lots of people who will support you and be there for you. You have to find them and let them be there!

I have had people unfriend me, unfollow me, ignore any and all messages from me (even ones not about business), people who are negative. But IM STILL HERE! And I’m NOT going to give up because of people rejecting me. I owe it to myself to keep going. 💕

And to all of you that have been supporting me and there for me, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! It seriously means the world to me 😘

Opinions…everyone has one 🙄

Have you ever had a time in your life that something exciting was going on and you just wanted to share it with the world. Only to have people pass negative judgment and try to take away from YOUR happiness. You have? Guess what, you’re not alone!

My husband and I just announced our fourth pregnancy together! Including his oldest son, this equals to FIVE 😱 children in our home. I figured there would be the eye rollers over in the corner somewhere when they found out, but I HOPED they’d keep their mouths to themselves.

What really baffles my mind is the fact that ANYONE outside of my husband and myself think they have a say in how many children we have!! 🤯 why, why do you think your opinion has any importance. Guess what, it doesn’t! If we wanted to have TEN children…we WILL! I don’t feel like I need to explain myself, but sometimes you just have to spell it out for these people.

We have a home to live in. Food in our cupboards and fridge. Our children have what they need to live happily. Heat, electricity, water, two parents who love them and are actively in their lives daily! Sure, we fall on hard times, who doesn’t, but no matter what we still make sure everything important is taken care of, and if you have ever met our children…they’re thriving and happy.

IM the one who has to grow these babies using MY uterus. IM the one who has to go through labor and delivery to bring them in to this world. IM the one who doesn’t get sleep for months because every single second of my life is dedicated to feeding, burping, bathing, comforting these tiny humans. When they’re sick IM the one who endures the worry if its small or serious. The one who holds their feverish bodies and wishes she could make it go away with lots of hugs and kisses. When they’re teething and nothing seems to help the discomfort, guess what…. IM the one who has the baby screaming in her face and trying everything to soothe them. And the diapers…IM the one who has to deal with blow outs, rashes, constipation, etc. ME, not you. So don’t act like me adding another baby to my family is putting a dent in YOUR life. ✌🏼

Here’s a thought. If you can’t support us in OUR decisions for OUR family…bye Felicia! I have no time or the patience to deal with negativity. 😘

Xoxo,

Hormonal pregnant lady😉

Random blurts.

I open my blog with no real purpose to write about, this morning. But, I just have an urge to write. So forgive me if this entry is all over the place and rambling on.

I haven’t written anything for over a year now. It’s literally been calling me. So, here I am. Like I said, I have no clue what to write about….so i’ll just put my fingers on the keyboard and see where it goes.

Depression and anxiety are both very real, folks. If you have never had to deal with either in your life, count yourself lucky. If you’re one of the millions who do or have struggled with one or both, you’re not alone. If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know that I have been struggling with depression my entire life. It never goes away. It’s always there throwing shade on me. I’ve kept a pretty good handle on it since the use of antidepressants after my youngest was born. Well, like always…I go through ruts. Except this “rut” is  not just a small temporary thing I am able to bounce back through. No, this is one of those black holes that just seem to keep growing larger until you feel like you can no longer keep fighting and everything that has been your “this is why I keep going” has since seemed less like a saving grace. My children, they have ALWAYS been my reason to keep going…they still are. Things are just lot tougher to work through and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I fought for years to discover who I truly am and what my worth is. I felt like I finally found that, I know it’s still there…I just can’t focus in on it clearly right now.

I don’t write any of this for someone to feel sympathy for me, or to even “care”. I know people care. I literally just have to get the words out of my head to make room for better thoughts. Whether I execute the task by talking to someone, or writing it. I just have to get them out of my head. It may not even make sense to you, or interest you to read. I don’t really care if a soul reads any of it. Just getting it out helps me.

My children are rapidly growing up right before my eyes. One day they’re these tiny little humans who need me to literally do everything for them to count on their survival. And while they still need me, it’s not the same. They can dress themselves, feed themselves, entertain themselves, two of them are off to elementary and the toddler that’s home with me all day doesn’t even WANT my help. She would rather do everything for herself. I know this is good for my children’s growth and development. But, it’s still hard having it happen…and all TOO fast. Before I know it, they’ll be off living their lives and only coming to visit mom and dad. Then it will just be the Husband and I. Plus the dog and cats.

I recently resigned from my full-time job. For many different reasons. It’s been an adjustment from working, to just staying at home. Some days I’m like “yes, I can stay in my pj’s all day, lounge around and not do a single thing”. Some days I’m like “I am not being productive and I need to get something done”. I’ve even started learning how to crochet so when I want to feel productive I just grab my hook and yarn. I’ve also become obsessed with watching live videos on Facebook. Younique makeup videos, curling wand videos (mostly trying to win a free wand, let’s be real here). These live videos make me feel like I still have friends. Since I feel like people have forgotten I exist.

Maybe a factor in all of these down feelings, could be cabin fever. Michigan seasons suck. They last too long, and play games with you. One day it’s super nice out and you break out your flip-flops and hoodie. The next, you’re freezing and have to shovel your way out of the front door. Technically today is the first day of spring….mother nature is being stubborn and won’t give up winter yet. That’s how you know mother nature is a woman. It’s like there’s a man telling her to do something and she’s like “oh yeah, watch this….I’m not doing a damn thing you say AND i’m going to drag out my fit for as long as I can.” I JUST WANT TO BE OUTSIDE WITHOUT A WINTER COAT ON AND NOT BE FROZEN!!!! Seriously, Anna needs to find Elsa and make up, because this is freaking ridiculous. Even my dog, whom LOVES the snow, is over it. Also, the winter gear….i’m tired of keeping track of every hat, mitten, scarf, and snow pants. My kids go to school wearing snowboots while their shoes are packed for inside; they walk in the door with NO snowboots and wearing their shoes. “oops, I forgot my boots in my locker”.

Lets get back to that toddler wanting her independence so bad. She’s turning THREE years old in two weeks. She’s a stubborn little thing. Everything is one HER time, milestones….some she’ll do on “schedule” while others she likes to freak us out and do them super late compared to the “normal”. It wasn’t until we took her to speech therapy for a few months (and acquired over $1,000 debt that insurance wouldn’t cover) that she decided to start talking. She was 2 years old at this point. Now, the kid won’t shut up. She also likes to be like mommy and daddy (who have potty mouths) and say words that she shouldn’t be saying at the raw age of two. Another example. Potty training. Her older brother and sister were fully potty trained by three years old. She has been playing the “I’m ready” game with us for almost a year now. Every time we think this is it and that she’s actually going to continue to use the potty more and more….she backs off and won’t touch the thing for days, maybe weeks. Yeah, we did the prize box, the sticker chart, hell even bribery. But, the truth of the matter is, she will NOT do it until SHE decides she’s   going to. Probably when she’s heading off to college.

Another thing. I’m 28 years old, I’ve been with my husband for TEN years, married for 7. We have created three human beings together. My face still resembles a young teenager. Blessed and cursed. I always hear “you have three kids?! I thought you were only 18 at the most!!” or my favorite when my husband (whom is 9yrs older than me and looks every bit of his age) are out in public together…with or without the kids…”oh, you’re wife? I thought she would have been your daughter!” -_- *insert eye roll* BUT, when I’m 45, i’m not going to look like it! I’ll probably still be getting carded and given that suspicious look that it’s a fake ID, into my 60’s. I do however, NOT feel like a 28-year-old. In fact, I feel like i’m already in my 40’s. A few years ago, I found one or two grey hairs in my head. Whatev’s. Now, at a rapid speed they’re sprouting like crazy. I’m legit blaming the husband and kids. LOL.

 

So, anyway. If you even lasted through this whole post…congrats. That’s a smidge of what goes on inside my mind daily. It’s not even 11AM here, folks. But, I told you…I didn’t have any specific reason to come on and write. It would get all over the place and rambling. You could have listened right there and saved yourself. I’m either going to be productive in my house…or keep the couch company. I’ll just wing it. 😉

 

See ya,

Jessica ❤

Raising a toddler

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My friend’s, I have gone through raising a toddler twice now. Not sure how I possessed myself to go through it a third time. But here we are. My oh so sweet and darling daughter. 21 months old and a tiny dictator! Raegan was a pretty relaxed infant. Aside from the GERD and colic the first few months, she was laid back. I took her everywhere with me and didn’t think twice. Everyone said how good she was and so quiet. Now as her second birthday is fastly approaching, I wonder where that sweet darling went and who replaced her with a terrorizing toddler!

By golly, the tantrums are real people. Real annoying. 😂 Seriously if you’ve survived a toddler…Pat yourself on the back right now because you deserve a freaking medal. She wants cake for breakfast and you say no? Well prepare yourself for a disaster and your child throwing herself on the floor screaming for a lengthy amount of time. Bedtime? Kiss YOUR sleep goodbye because you’re in for a battle. Please, save yourself the trouble and make sure you read their tiny mind and DO NOT, I repeat do not give them the wrong cup. You WILL ruin their life.

I also hope that you don’t like being on time ANYWHERE. Try wrestling a bucking bull into shoes and a coat…Now you know what it’s like dressing a toddler to get out the door. And how dare you try to keep them safe by fastening them into their rear facing car seat. Because seriously, they just want the regular seat like big brother. Heck, just let them drive the dang car…Don’t make them mad.

Clothes, don’t even get me started. Your days of picking out your toddlers clothes without their input are over. Who cares if they’re matching or dressed appropriately for the weather. They’re the boss. Also, just duct tape their diaper on so they don’t go streaking through the house (or someone else’s), they were born nakey and that’s the way they want to be. Free the tushy!

These kids dont come with instructions. That would be too easy. Only the strong survive. I just keep telling myself “one day they will be grown up and I’m going to miss these days”, then I’m usually brought back to reality by a scream or a thump. MY toddler has mastered the skill of climbing, you see. No counter or dresser is safe in this house. Which means I basically can not blink when this girl is awake.

New parents, and expecting parents…Buckle up! You’re journey has just begun. The worst is yet to come 😘

 

Jessica❤

im thankful for…

Thanksgiving. A time when families gather together and bond over a feast of yummy food. Everyone says what they’re thankful for. 

Well I’m thankful everyday, not just one day a year.

I’m thankful for my husband, I was a list young adult when he came into my life. No real goals or ambition to do much with my future. We started a family and he helped shape me into a responsible adult who works hard for everything. 

I’m thankful for our children. Lord know they drive me crazy almost daily, but they too grew me into the person I am today. I strive to provide for them and teach them how to live a happy life. 

Im thankful that I have a full-time job. So many people take for granted having a job. I have to sacrifice many memories with my family so I can go to work and pay our bills.

I’m thankful for all of my hard times and lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t be where I am if not for enduring everything I have! 

My dysfunctional family, though I cut some of them from my life, they showed me that I want to be a nice human being. 

Im thankful for my friends, whom are always there when I’m at my lowest and build me back up. Whom are also always there when I’m at my highest and push me to keep going.

I am so thankful for all public services and the military! 

And while most people were able to wake up today and be with their family all day, my husband and I both left our children to go to our full time jobs. But that’s ok, my time with my children after work is that more special! 

Count your blessings, not your negatives.

Happy Thanksgiving ❤